This Is What My Brain Looks Like: What Does The Universe Want From Me?

I’m not feeling any sense of organization right now, so I’m just going to start typing, and hopefully some sort of sense is made about the things rolling through my brain…

I’m identifying themes in my life so I can figure out in what direction the universe is trying to push me.

Common themes that I have identified in my life include:

  • Job Hopping
  •  Sitting Through Discomfort
  • Trying to Solve Other People’s Problems
  • Moving
  • Defiance
  • Story Telling
  • Taking On Too Much

Let’s focus on job-hopping. I have moved around from job to job, hoping each time that the next one would be it – the thing I’ve been looking for – the sense of completion that I so desperately crave.

With each job, I’ve poured in my heart and soul, ready to reap the benefits of a job that I’m good at and a job that I love. And each time, I’ve found myself frustrated, overworked and eventually, burnt out. I begin to dread going to my place of work, cringe at the thought of completing my daily tasks, and roll my eyes at the very idea of my boss telling me what to do. WTF is wrong with me?!

And the sad thing is, I’ve been good at every single one of the jobs I’ve done (well, except for one, but I only worked there for 4 months, so we wont count it). I’ve built strong relationships with my superiors, and I’ve been told by every single one of them how great I am at what I do, and what a valued member of the team I am. So what gives? I’m clearly adding value, so why do I always start to feel so discontent with working?

A few things occur to me when I pose these questions.

  1. I like doing things my way, and I become extremely frustrated with having to do things the way someone else wants me to do them
  2. When I get excited about something, I put everything I have into it, which probably leads to faster burn out.
  3. I always manage to find something about my jobs that is for me, completely intolerable, and that one intolerable thing tends to ruin the whole thing for me.

So, here’s one question I could ask myself: Is it me? Do I have a bad attitude? Is my life theme of defiance something that makes my life harder?

It’s not that I just want to defy my authority figures for the sake of defying them. It’s usually related to the fact that there is a certain way I want to do things, and a certain way they want me to do things, and those two ways don’t normally line up.

I’m open to doing things in new ways if I truly feel that it’s a better way of doing things, but usually, I don’t. I guess there’s a reason I do things my way… because that’s the way I’m comfortable doing them.

Getting out of your comfort zone is important, this I know. But I also feel like I step out of my comfort zone all the time. So it doesn’t feel like my struggles with my bosses are about learning to get out of my comfort zone.

Also, there have been times where I’ve had bosses or authority figures that I’ve deeply respected and admired. In those cases, I’ve been more than happy to do the things they’ve asked of me, and I’ve wanted to do them well, (I’m thinking about a few teachers I’ve had, my trainer at a previous job, and one boss in particular).

The bosses I’ve felt defiant against I’ve usually had a hard time finding respect for. My previous boss for example was super intense about micromanaging because she didn’t trust her employees to do a good job, and was afraid that we’d make her and the department look bad. It’s hard to respect someone who inherently doesn’t trust you because of his or her own self-confidence issues.

So maybe the problem is that I’ve had bad bosses? Maybe there are a host of problems that all add up to make things hard.

Whenever I talk to my mom about the frustrations I have with my jobs, she tells me that all jobs are going to have their frustrations… This is probably true, but, I think that the frustrations I’ve been bumping up against have all been more than the typical frustrations you’ll find at any job. II’m not just dealing with the “ughhh, I don’t want to go to work today” feeling. It’s more than that. It’s a deep sense of dissatisfaction.

And my most common issue of a bad boss is not something that I personally can come to terms with (especially given my deep seeded desire to defy them in one way or another… because it’s about more than just being a rebel… its about fighting for what I believe is right).

So why do I keep finding myself in jobs with bosses I want to fight? Is the universe trying to tell me something about working under someone else? Does the universe think I should be the boss of others? (doubt it). Or, does the universe think I should be my own boss?

That last question is what ignites something inside of me. I feel like I should be on my own, answering only to myself and the people I’m serving in whatever career I’m partaking in (probably writing, teaching yoga, and the like).

I think this is what the universe has been pointing to, in terms of my career anyway. Stop hopping around from job to job, Alex. You’re never going to find that perfect job that’s easy, pays well, and makes you feel fulfilled, or whatever. You have to find the courage to step off the ledge, and trust yourself to find a way to the valley down below, where the grass is green, and the flowers grow – The place where your soul has been guiding you all along.

This has been a very long and disorganized post, and if you’ve managed to stay with me, I commend you. I think sometimes it’s important to just write and see what happens. I have a plan. The valley is waiting. And I think right now, I’m closer than ever.

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