The Trap

I feel creatively drained right now… Like my brain has nothing left to give… Which is sad, because…

I have creative goals. Goals that I want to achieve.

But I’m spending all my creative energy on things that mean nothing to me… And for what? 

So I can get paid… So I can manage my bills… So I can “enjoy” my life…

So that I don’t have to struggle.

I feel like this is the biggest first world problem, and like I’m incredibly selfish for even complaining about it.

Not only am I fortunate enough to have a job… but I’m fortunate enough to have a job doing something that I love. 

Don’t get me wrong… I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I’m proud of my accomplishments…

I get paid for my creative talents in writing, and that’s amazing… But it’s not the kind of writing I want to do. 

My work is not me. It’s someone else. I am simply a drone designed to increase the amount of creative that is produced on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis. 

And because I spend so much of my creative energy on producing work for someone else… I hardly have anything left to give for the work that I truly want to produce. 

Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe working towards a career as a writer who gets paid by a company was a mistake. Maybe I’ve become a sell out. 

Maybe… If I keep doing what I do, my goals will never be met. Because let’s be honest… If I had a job that didn’t involve writing full time, every day… I’d probably be better at working towards my creative goals.

Probably.

But would I really rather have just “some other job” that probably pays less, while I simultaneously bust my butt to try and write something creative that could potentially never get published? That might never leave my desktop? That might be a never ending work in progress?

I guess I don’t know. The only thing I do know is…

You always want what you don’t have.

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