I feel creatively drained right now… Like my brain has nothing left to give… Which is sad, because…
I have creative goals. Goals that I want to achieve.
But I’m spending all my creative energy on things that mean nothing to me… And for what?
So I can get paid… So I can manage my bills… So I can “enjoy” my life…
So that I don’t have to struggle.
I feel like this is the biggest first world problem, and like I’m incredibly selfish for even complaining about it.
Not only am I fortunate enough to have a job… but I’m fortunate enough to have a job doing something that I love.
Don’t get me wrong… I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I’m proud of my accomplishments…
I get paid for my creative talents in writing, and that’s amazing… But it’s not the kind of writing I want to do.
My work is not me. It’s someone else. I am simply a drone designed to increase the amount of creative that is produced on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.
And because I spend so much of my creative energy on producing work for someone else… I hardly have anything left to give for the work that I truly want to produce.
Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe working towards a career as a writer who gets paid by a company was a mistake. Maybe I’ve become a sell out.
Maybe… If I keep doing what I do, my goals will never be met. Because let’s be honest… If I had a job that didn’t involve writing full time, every day… I’d probably be better at working towards my creative goals.
But would I really rather have just “some other job” that probably pays less, while I simultaneously bust my butt to try and write something creative that could potentially never get published? That might never leave my desktop? That might be a never ending work in progress?
I guess I don’t know. The only thing I do know is…
You always want what you don’t have.