Now that I’m married, one of the questions I’m most frequently asked is if/when I’m planning on having kids.
Here’s the thing… I’m terrified of having children. For several reasons.
Right now, mainly, it’s the state of the country in which I live. The people that are running things. The high cost of living and the low paying jobs. The violence. The hate. The unemployment rate. The rapid decline in hope…
It’s that I don’t want to bring children into a world that I’m afraid of. A world that makes me sad. A world that is so… disappointing and hard to navigate.
I see so many people struggling. Friends… Family members…
Sometimes, just getting by can be so incredibly difficult.
And sure, right now my husband and I are doing well financially. But there’s no telling how long that will last.
Plus, having kids is expensive. Have you seen what the cost of health care is when you add a child to your plan? It’s fucking ridiculous. That’s exactly the kind of financial burden that could take us from doing fine, to really struggling…
I don’t want to struggle and I certainly don’t want my potential children to struggle.
I don’t like the idea of having kids while also having to go to work everyday. I don’t like the idea of not being there with them as they grow. Of not being able to stay home and take care of them. I hate the idea of someone else raising my children. I don’t want to send my children to public schools. I don’t want my children to face being bullied, or potentially becoming bullies themselves. I don’t want them to be addicted to technology. I don’t want them to be completely connected to everyone and everything all the time. I don’t want them to be ridiculed for being different. I don’t want them to feel different. I don’t want them to resent me for raising them differently.
I don’t want to give birth to my children in a hospital.
I don’t want feed my children the over processed, hormone pumped, chemical ridden food that we produce.
I don’t want to send my children to schools that could be targeted by crazed lunatics with guns.
I don’t want my children to think that it’s okay for “boys to be boys”, or for women to be over-sexualized.
I don’t want my sons to think that they are privileged.
I don’t want my daughters to think they’re worthless.
I don’t know if my heart can handle the inconceivable battle that it would be to try and raise children in this world.
In this life.
In this day and age.
I am terrified.